


The Miscalculation

by hummerhouse



Category: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (TV 2003)
Genre: Gen, Humor, Mild Language
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-03
Updated: 2014-05-03
Packaged: 2018-01-21 17:07:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,818
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1557824
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hummerhouse/pseuds/hummerhouse
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Disclaimer: The TMNT are not mine. No money being made.<br/>Word Count: 2,846 One shot<br/>Rating: PG-13 Foul language, Humor<br/>Summary: Leo and Raph simply can't stop competing.<br/></p>
            </blockquote>





	The Miscalculation

**Author's Note:**

> This hilarious preview art created by the multi-talented Sherenelle on DeviantArt.  
> 

            “Where’s Master Splinter?” Raph asked after peeking into his father’s room.

            “He took Mikey and Don on a training run so they could map some tunnels in the south quadrant,” Leo told him, on his way from the kitchen to the dojo.

            Raph followed him, watching as Leo pulled the box of bent throwing stars out of the cabinet it was stored in.  When Leo set them on a work bench, Raph came over, lifting a star and grimacing at the bent metal.

            “Why didn’t ya’ go with them?” Raph asked as he tossed the star back into the box.

            Leo glanced at him and then back into the cabinet as he dug out various tools.  “It was a training run for _Mikey_ ,” he emphasized.  “He doesn’t need any more distractions or reasons to slack off.  Don wouldn’t have gone either if he didn’t need to finish that section of his map.”

            Raph snorted.  “They’ll be gone a while.”

            “Did you need sensei for something?” Leo asked curiously.

            “Nothing that can’t wait,” Raph said offhandedly.  “This how you’re spending your Friday night?”

            “They aren’t going to fix themselves,” Leo said.  “You’re welcome to help.”

            Raph lifted both hands, palms out.  “No thanks.  Sounds like a damn boring way ta pass the time.  Why don’t we go out and take some undamaged ones off the Foot?”

            Leo shot him a withering look.  “Because that would entail engaging the enemy, something we don’t do unless we have provocation.”

            “Their existence provokes the shell out of me,” Raph said with a grin.

            “Eloquent as always,” Leo said, straightening the point of one of the stars with his hammer.

            Raph watched him for a few minutes and then said, “Ya’ know, if we were human we’d be out at a club or going ta a party somewhere.  Sitting around the house is pretty lame.”

            “Only one of us is ‘sitting around’,” Leo said pointedly.  “What’s so exciting about clubs anyway?  The loud music or the drunken crowds?”

            “Girls?”  Raph asked rhetorically.

            “Drunken girls vomiting on your feet,” Leo said.

            “That could be fun too,” Raph said.

            “You can’t possibly be that desperate for entertainment,” Leo said, shaking his head slightly.

            Raph eyed him.  “From the looks of things, I’m not the one who needs help in loosening up.”

            “I’m not as uptight as you seem to think I am,” Leo said defensively.

            “Ya’ squeak when ya’ walk,” Raph retorted.  “Besides, I just offered ya’ some fun and ya’ turned your nose up at it.”

            “That offer was _your_ idea of fun,” Leo countered.  “Don’t you get enough of that when you’re running around with Casey?”

            “Kicking Purple Dragon butt ain’t all we do for fun,” Raph protested.

            Leo chuckled.  “I suppose that’s where your knowledge of drunken revelry comes from.”

            “Don’t knock it ‘til ya’ try it,” Raph told him.

            “Please tell me you don’t actually get drunk while you’re topside,” Leo said sternly.

            Raph crossed his arms over his plastron.  “Your confidence in me is touching,” he said.  “Ya’ should come with us some time, ya’ might enjoy yourself.”

            “I seriously doubt it,” Leo muttered.

            “What, afraid ya’ can’t handle your liquor?” Raph taunted.  “Afraid a couple of beers will make some of that iron will of yours slip a little?”

            “I’m not afraid of anything,” Leo said, growing irritated.  “I just have better sense than to run all over the city while I’m drinking.”

            “Ha!” Raph crowed.  “Here we are, nice and safe at home.  Ya’ want ta put your money where your mouth is?”

            Leo carefully set his tools on the table.  “Since we don’t have anything other than house money, I’m assuming you want to wager something that isn’t actually monetary.”

            “Ya’ assume right,” Raph said.  “Last turtle standing does the loser’s chores for a month.”

            “Just a month?” Leo asked.  “You must not be feeling very confident.”

            “Three months,” Raph snapped.  “And ya’ have ta tell Mikey, Don, and Casey that ya’ can’t hold your liquor.”

            “Fine,” Leo agreed.  “Except that you’ll be the one making that admission.”

            “I only have three beers left in the fridge,” Raph said.  “I can call Casey and have him run a case down here.”

            “We don’t need the beer,” Leo said, stepping around the work bench and heading out of the dojo.

            Raph spun around to follow him.  “It ain’t gonna be much of a contest if you’re planning on drinking water,” he said, puzzled when Leo turned towards their father’s room.

            “Not water,” Leo said once they were inside.

            Opening a wooden wardrobe lined with shelves, he took down a ceramic flask and two small cups.  The shelf held a number of flasks of varying sizes and designs.

            “Sake,” Leo announced, turning to place the items on Master Splinter’s tatami table.

            “Ain’t that the stuff sensei keeps for guests?” Raph asked, sitting down opposite from Leo at the table.

            “I’ll replace it,” Leo said.

            “Just don’t replace it by throwing it up,” Raph said snidely.  “Ya’ don’t even drink beer; I don’t know how ya’ think you’re gonna manage something stronger.”

            “By focusing on how nice it will be to have you doing my chores,” Leo said as he poured the rice wine into cups.

            Raph lifted his, looking over it at Leo.  “Cheers,” he said before downing his drink in one gulp.

            Leo drank his at a more sedate pace, striving to keep a neutral expression on his face.  Raph sat grinning at him, saying nothing until Leo had finished the sake and poured out two more cups.

            “I’m gonna take pictures of ya’ once you’re shit faced,” Raph promised.

            “You talk a good game,” Leo replied as he placed his second cup to his lips.

            Once more Raph chugged his and then slapped the empty cup down on the table.  “Talk is what ya’ do,” he told his brother.  “Ya’ never just let the mood take ya’, it’s always ‘study this, analyze that’.  You’re missing out on life.”

            Once more Leo filled the cups.  “I suppose by life you mean letting my hair down.”

            “Exactly,” Raph said, beaming at him as he placed his cup to his lips.

            “I don’t have any hair,” Leo said.

            Raph spluttered, nearly spitting the sake out.  Swallowing quickly, he stared at Leo, who was just finishing his third drink.

            “Damn bro’,” Raph said with a laugh.  “I never figured ya’ for a funny drunk.”

            “I’m not drunk,” Leo said distinctly, quickly pouring another round.

            “Ya’ sure are funny though,” Raph said.  “Funny looking.”

            With his fourth drink moving down to join the first three, Raph waited for Leo, watching for tell-tale signs of inebriation.  Other than the out of character humorous remark, his brother seemed perfectly normal.

            “I think I take issue with that statement,” Leo said, filling Raph’s cup and then his own.  “I’m not any funnier looking than you are.”

            “Here’s ta funny looking,” Raph said loudly, tapping his cup against Leo’s.  This time his brother polished off his drink nearly as fast as Raph did.

            “Oops,” Leo said, lifting the flask and shaking it.  “One more round and we’ll need a fresh bottle.”

            “The fresher the better,” Raph said, drinking quickly to see if Leo would copy him.

            This time they set their empty cups down simultaneously.  Leo pushed the first flask aside and stood up, moving as fluidly as he always did.  Raph did notice he seemed a touch slower than normal and sat up taller so that Leo wouldn’t notice he’d started to slouch.

            As he brought the new flask to the table, Leo’s eyes fell on his brother and narrowed slightly.  Taking a seat, he poured another round and asked, “How are you feeling, Raphael?”

            “Peachy,” Raph answered.  “I could do this all night.”

            “Master Splinter doesn’t have that much sake,” Leo said with a straight face.

            This time Raph held his laughter until after he drank his sake.  Leo finished his and then chuckled as well.

            Lifting the flask, Raph said, “I need ta remember he’s got this stuff.  Ya’ don’t have ta drink nearly as much of this ta get a buzz as ya’ do ta get one with beer.”

            Leo pointed a finger at him and leaned forward.  “You just admitted you’re buzzed.”

            Raph poured sake into their cups and said, “So are ya’.  Don’t try ta deny it.”

            “Nothing is wrong with me that you doing my chores for three months won’t cure,” Leo said, gulping his drink before Raph had even lifted his.

            Blinking a few times, Raph finished the contents of his cup before saying, “I’m sure that made sense, I just gotta untangle it.”

            “If I had hair you could untangle that too,” Leo said, chuckling at his own joke.

            Making sure their cups were full, Raph asked, “What’s with ya’ and hair tonight?  Ya’ got a one track mind.”

            “Focused,” Leo corrected and then finished his sake.  “I’m focused.”

            “On hair,” Raph said.

            They looked at each other and burst out laughing.  Reaching over, Leo took the flask from Raph and served up another round.

            “You’re too slow,” Leo said when Raph made a belated grab at the flask.

            “Damn Leo, how fast do ya’ wanna get drunk?” Raph asked, waiting for Leo to lift his cup before doing the same.

            “I’m not drunk,” Leo repeated.  “I have decided not to be so I won’t be.”

            “Bzzzzz,” Raph trilled.  “Buzzed like a bee.”

            “Wouldn’t that be ‘buzzed by a bee’?” Leo asked, striving for a serious expression.

            “No, it’d be buzzed by sake,” Raph said, laughing hard enough to fall sideways.

            “You’re drunk,” Leo said accusingly.

            “That’s kinda the point,” Raph told him, groping around on the table for his cup.  Seeing that it was empty, he glared at Leo.  “Where’s my sake?  Are ya’ drinking my share too?”

            “I am not,” Leo said.  “How can I fill it if you won’t stay still?”

            “I wasn’t even touching the cup,” Raph said as he pushed himself upright.  “Something wrong with your hand ta . . . hand ta eye coor-or-ordination?”

            “This flask is empty,” Leo said.  “I’ll get another.”

            Instead of moving, he sat looking at Raph until the younger turtle said, “The flask ain’t on my face, Leo.”

            “Oh,” Leo said, shaking his head before standing up.  Once more he crossed to the wardrobe, retrieving a flask and returning to his seat on the floor without incident.

            “I’m surprised ya’ can still, ya’ know, um walk,” Raph said as he watched Leo pour the sake.

            “I’ve decided to pretend that this is tea,” Leo said pretentiously, holding the cup high.

            “Let me know how that works out for ya’,” Raph said sarcastically.

            They both drank and then set their cups down with a bang.  Leo and Raph reached for the flask at the same time, nearly knocking it over.  Somehow Leo got his hands around it and pulled it closer to him protectively.

            “The host always serves,” Leo told Raph in a lecturing tone.

            “Ya’ ain’t a host,” Raph said, his words starting to slur.  “You’re a thief.  Ya’ stole Master Splinter’s sake.”

            “Borrowed,” Leo said, stretching the word out for emphasis.

            “Without asking,” Raph countered.  “You’re a rebel.  Where’s my drink?”

            “You have no patience,” Leo said as he poured the sake.  “A good ninja needs patience.”

            “You’re drunk,” Raph asserted, emptying his cup.

            Leo frowned at him.  “Why do you keep saying that?  I’m not the one who can’t pronounce co . . . coordintora … cooration . . . hair.”

            They both started laughing again, Raph tipping to the side once more and slapping his hand on the table.

            “Holy shit, you’re funny!” Raph exclaimed.  “I’m gonna tell the world that you’re a funny guy.”

            “Shout it from the rooftops,” Leo said, shoving Raph’s refilled cup nearer to him.

            “No one will believe me,” Raph said as he drank.

            Leo swallowed his sake and said, “That’s because you’re a turtle.  A talking turtle.  A giant, drunk, talking turtle.”

            “Without hair,” Raph added.

            That set them to chuckling again and they laughed their way through another round of drinks, though Raph managed to snort some out through his nostrils.

            “Pig,” Leo said with mock harshness.

            “Turtle,” Raph corrected.  “I thought we estab . . . establi . . . screw it.  Figured that out.”

            “Have another drink,” Leo said, aiming for the cup Raph was still holding and splashing some of the liquid on his brother’s hand.

            “Don’t mind if I do,” Raph replied, downing the drink and then licking the excess from his skin.

            Leo turned the flask upside down as he tried to pour another round and discovered it was empty.  Pushing it against the other two, he said, “Three down.”

            Raph waited for a minute but Leo didn’t move.  “Ya’ gonna get another?” he finally asked.

            “I got the last three,” Leo pointed out.

            “You’re afraid ta show me ya’ can’t walk no more,” Raph said.

            “The only thing I’m afraid of is your grammar,” Leo said.  “It’s your turn.”

            “I got this,” Raph said, struggling to swing his legs around.  “No sweat.  Piece of cake.”

            Leo watched him flounder and said, “You actually have to get up.”

            “I’m not drunk,” Raph snapped.

            Crossing his arms, Leo leaned back.  “Of course not.”

            “Ya’ gotta get up too,” Raph insisted.  “’S only fair.”

            “All right I will,” Leo said, touching the table lightly as he levered himself to his feet.

            Raph tried to do the same, but couldn’t quite manage it.  With a low growl, he got up on his knees and then braced his fists on the table in order to gain his feet.

            The room started to spin as soon as Raph stood up and he quickly sat down again.  Raph looked with disbelief at his brother, who appeared to be unfazed by the alcohol.

            “How’re ya’ doin’ that?” Raph demanded.  “Ya’ don’t even drink.”

            “Correction,” Leo said clearly.  “I don’t drink beer.  I do however like a cup or two of sake on occasion.  Your mistake.”

            “We ain’t done yet,” Raph said belligerently as he once again tried to rise.  “I’m gonna get another bottle and we . . . we’re . . . .”

            Raph’s words trailed off, his eyes rolled back in his head, and he passed out on the table.

            With a satisfied grunt, Leo walked stiffly around Raph, patting his brother’s shell as he passed him.  “Bet you won’t underes . . . esttt, doubt me ever again.  I’m going back to work.”

            Leo was halfway to the door when he slowly crumpled.  He was out cold before he hit the floor.

            Master Splinter discovered the pair three quarters of an hour later.  Mikey and Don were searching the lair for them when their father noticed that the door to his room was open.

            “Boys!” Master Splinter called, standing just inside his room as he contemplated his obviously intoxicated children.

            Don and Mikey rushed to his side immediately and then froze in astonishment at the sight before them.

            “Dude!” Mikey exclaimed with a loud exhalation of air.  “Are they drunk?”

            “Yes,” Master Splinter answered.  “On some very excellent rice wine.”

            “Competing again,” Don said confidently.  “Though I’m surprised that Leo agreed to _this_.”

            Mikey had crossed over to peek at Raph’s face, his brother’s snores vibrating the wooden table as he slept.

            “I’ll tell you this much, they aren’t waking up anytime soon,” Mikey said with a grin.

            “What should we do with them sensei?” Don asked.

            “Hey, I’m not dragging their heavy butts upstairs,” Mikey protested, straightening from his perusal of Raph.

            “Leave them here,” Master Splinter said.  “I will sleep in Leonardo’s room.  In a few hours I will wake them so that they may begin to learn the drunken turtle technique.”

            “’Drunken turtle’?  I’ve never heard of that one,” Don said.

            “It is a secret technique used exclusively by fathers,” Master Splinter explained.  “You are both excused from practice in the morning; my focus will be on Leonardo and Raphael.  I would suggest you avoid the dojo; the floor will no doubt be quite messy by the time I’ve finished with them.”

            “Gross,” Mikey said as Master Splinter signaled for the two sober brothers to leave the room.

            Pausing for a moment, their father allowed a smile to play across his lips.  “If you would be so good as to produce as much noise as possible in the morning, Michelangelo, I would be grateful.  And Donatello, I believe that you were planning to work on a particularly odiferous experiment; it might be interesting to place a sample in each of your brother’s rooms after I release them from practice.  Goodnight my sons.”

            Mikey and Don looked at each other as Master Splinter headed up to bed.  “Do you think Leo and Raph just miscalculated how much of that stuff they should drink?” Mikey asked.

            Don shook his head and chuckled.  “I think their biggest miscalculation was in thinking Master Splinter wouldn’t pay them back for drinking his sake.”


End file.
